A Beautiful Wreck

Do you ever feel like a fraud? I do… all the time!

I am constantly questioning my abilities in everything.

As a mother, I question whether I am making the right decisions, whether I take her to the park enough, whether I do enough craft with her or stimulate her enough. I question whether I teach her enough skills or encourage her interests enough. I have days where I think that I am totally winning at motherhood, when she reads words for the first time or when she is able to tell me what a hexagonal prism is, I have days when I am lifted by other’s compliments on my mothering, although I am sure that every single time someone gives me a compliment on my mothering, I question whether they are seeing the reality of the situation or whether they are just complimenting the public persona that I seem to be projecting.

When building my business, I am so sure that there are a multitude of things that I have neglected or that I should have done months ago. I am flying blind and hoping that it all works out. I have amazing people in my life who I am able to bounce ideas off and who are constantly opening my mind to things that I should be doing or that I should be thinking about. When I first started this, the drive was my gut feeling that it would all just work. I have put in ridiculous hours to build this business and I am still driven by that gut feeling that it will all work out. I know that I am not meant for the rat race of working for someone else, spending too much time away from my heart and soul (my daughter), then coming home tired and grumpy, snapping at her to hurry up and get in to bed, so I can then make lunches, do washing, clean the house and continue to work on my business… if I am lucky, I will fit in some Netflix in the background while I am working or getting stuff done.

 My ray of sunshine.

My ray of sunshine.

When in my day job, I feel like a fraud too. Constantly questioning whether what I am doing is good enough and looking around at the other people in the office who are able to do it all so well. Or maybe I feel like a fraud because this isn’t my place. This is not where I know I am meant to be. The longer I am trapped in an office with people I don’t know, the more I feel like a caged animal, banging on the enclosure, asking for the zookeeper to let me out.

So I work, I mother, I build a business, I make lunches, I do washing, I clean the house, I pay my mortgage and all my bills, I crumple in an exhausted heap at the end of the day knowing that I will repeat this experience tomorrow and then next day and the next day. Like a rat running on a wheel.

I had a taste of freedom for 12 months, it was exactly what I wanted, exactly what I needed and exactly what I am working towards.

So, I want to acknowledge that the struggle is real. I salute all of you who are also chasing your tails. I have faith that we will get there. As long as we are focused on our dreams and stay present, not complacent, we will make it!

I’m a beautiful wreck, a colourful mess..” Ella Mai (me right now!!)

I hope to arrive to my death late, in love, and a little drunk” Atticus (goals!)