All I can say is wow.... I haven't been writing in the past few weeks. I haven't had time to scratch myself. I feel like I have been hit from every angle and now I am trying to figure out how to pick up all the pieces and get to where ever it is that I am supposed to be. I came back from Japan and was dealing with the usual Post Holiday Blues. I also was welcomed home by so many bills, stress at work, self imposed stress and stress building a future for myself and my daughter. Also an impending weekend without my daughter.
I was feeling suffocated, I didn't know where to look or what to do, I was drowning.
Both my daughter and I made it through the weekend we were apart. In fact, she had an amazing time with her Dad and Grandma. I was supported by my beautiful family (although every second without my baby girl felt like an eternity). It was the best possible scenario for that particular situation.
However, due to unforeseen circumstances, I now no longer have a job (not my fault or caused by anything within my control). The last week has been an emotional rollercoaster. I have been talking with mortgage brokers, financial advisors, real estate agents and everyone in between just to make sure that I will be able to make ends meet and continue to provide and to pay bills. I am beyond thankful to my family (again) for all the support that they have given me, they have helped to keep me sane and have helped to calm me when I have felt like I am drowning.
So, I guess, now is a time for new beginnings. This is my time to rebuild my life from scratch. To get to where I am meant to be and to not settle along the way.
I have been taking quite a philosophical view on everything that has been going on. Maybe this is the universe pulling the rug out from under me so that I start to take control of where I am heading and stop coasting. This time, I can (and will) use to build the future that my baby girl deserves, but also the future that I deserve too. I saw something online today that really sparked my interest-
"If I asked you to name all the things that you love, how long would it take for you to name yourself?".
Once I had taken a moment to get my head around the depth of this comment, I saw how much truth there is to it. I don't think that I would have named myself in the top 10 things that I love before reading that. Now, I need to work on making loving myself a priority. I have the time now I have no job. I don't expect to have all the time in the world as I still have a million and one things that need to be done on a daily basis but I have more time to dedicate to working on building myself up. You know what the silly thing is? I feel selfish even writing that I will take time to build myself. I feel arrogant saying that I want to take time to make loving myself a priority. Why is that? I know that I preach that our kids are happier when we are happier, so, if I take the time to love myself and take time out for myself, won't that benefit my beautiful daughter too? She deserves the best of everything. As a parent, we are always putting ourselves further and further down on our list of priorities. We don't get the haircut that we need because funds are short (forget about nails, massages, facials and all the rest of that amazing stuff!), we will put every cent into ensuring our child is clothed, fed, socially well rounded and challenged academically.... when do we start focusing on ourselves? I had a conversation recently about what would happen if I was on a plane with my daughter and those oxygen masks came down. You know how you are supposed to fit yourself before fitting your children? I told my friend that I would fit my daughter's mask first regardless of what the instructions were to do... even if it puts my life in danger. To me, my child's life is way more important. What would you do in that situation? Am I irrational in what I would do in that hypothetical situation?
I have to admit, in the last 12 months, I have been making more of an effort to take time for myself. I have been going to the gym, even allowing myself to get PT sessions (omg I love those sessions!). Even though I feel selfish every time I think of the money I spend to do such things (like really, really selfish), I also realise how much happier it makes me as a person. I am a better Mum because I workout and because I allow myself to have that small amount of time each week to myself. Also, I know that staying strong and fit is in my best interest- it allowed me to carry my daughter while hiking mountains in Japan only to do it again the following day (and the day after that...).
Is being selfish as a parent a bad thing if it makes you a better parent in the long run? I feel like if it makes you a better parent, then a little selfishness is ok. If it is something like working on your fitness or having a little bit of 'me' time, I think it's ok.
So, I guess, cheers to new beginnings. Cheers to loving ourselves and allowing ourselves a little bit of 'me' time.